Thursday, November 18, 2004

one a' dem days.

it's one of those dreary, crappy, erie days where i am just experiencing inner.. um.. turmoil. i think it's a killer erie combo of the sunlight lasting till five, and then going home to an empty apartment. i've gotten pretty comfortable with being "alone in my own head" though. i used to really hate that. it used to be a pretty f*cked up place to be. it's healing though.

i think it was also the fact that the other night i was drinking wine, and gabbing with girlfriends, one of whom is pregnant, one married, and my best friend who is engaged. (the pregnant one was only drinking water though!)
but, it's just hard to get all excited and be happy for them, when it's something i want so badly for myself. i feel like such a bad friend. and, i realize nothing is perfect, i mean, the married one MAY or MAY not be a lesbian... so ....

however, i just am going through my I WANT EVERYTHING NOW, AND I DON'T WANT TO WAIT DAMNIT. my mom makes comments too like, "you'd think you'd have a ring by now... you'd think craig would want to secure you!" pretty strange. i think that he is secure and that's why i DON'T have a ring. you know? i mean, it totally makes sense. i was always an impatient little kid.... trouble following directions, things of that nature.

i dunno why i'm even writing this. i think it's theraputic. oh well. i guess i just never knew what "my biological clock is tickin'" meant... and um.. now i do.


Melissa said...

I HEAR YA SISTA! It's almost been 4 years for me and Rob. No rings coming my way anytime soon. And everytime I bring that up he's always like, "you don't really want to get married right now, do you?" Uh, no, of course not. Sure, I still feel young and I know I have plenty of time, but I definitely get jealous when everyone else around me is getting married.

Rob thinks we'll be engaged within two years. Okay, that's something to look forward to, I guess. He just doesn't think we're financially stable enough. Personally, I'm very financially stable, I think. But Mary and I have talked about how silly we feel calling Rob and Patrick our "boyfriends" like we're 15!

Maybe we should start a pool. Me, you and Mary! Who will get the question popped to them first? And just because one of us is first, doesn't mean they'll be the first to be married! I see a loooooong engagement ahead of me and the commitment-phobe!

Melissa said...

By the way, is Craig going to read your blog??? He might get the hint!

devon said...

ya, he might, read... it..... :D

nothing i can say will change his mind though!!!!!
which is good. i want it to be the right time.

i'm just being whiny! but i've told him, i'd drop everything and have kids. :D

Melissa said...

Well, you don't really need to be married for that! :-) Has he said when he thinks he might be ready? Does it even cross his mind? Rob's getting fed up with all my marriage talk lately. Everytime we're around his family, his dad's fiancé is like, "Oh, at your wedding you can do this" and "At your wedding you can do that!" I think it's hurting my likelihood of ever actually having one!

Go Kayak said...


You are right to wait until it's right for you. If you never wait for anything else in your life, this is the one thing from which you can benefit from waiting. I'm saying this in my old lady voice. Ah, the things I didn't know in my 20s & 30s...

The first time around, I got married for all of the wrong this is what society go to college, get your degree, get a job, get married, have kids. I know it's hard when everyone you're around is "doing it." Not that I regret anything, but if I had known then, what I know now...well you know how Mr. Hindsight is.

I don't like this time of year either, by the way.

Go Kayak said...

Oh and mel,

Imagine how it feels to be calling someone your "boyfriend" at age 41. Gee, can't we come up with another good word?

Mary said...

You're not a bad friend just because you get that little bit of envy when you see your friends. You are suffering from the to-far-away-blues. And when you love someone, that sucks.

I totally know that if Patrick had the money, I'd have a ring. We know we are going to get married, but we (and especially him) think it is important to do it up right. We'll need a little money for that.

I think I want a wedding most because I want to throw a big ol' I LOVE PATRICK party. I guess I just want a really good reason to celebrate something that makes me happy and have an excuse to do that and have everyone around. There is more to it than that, but ... thats a big reason!