Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Monday, April 09, 2012
i quit my job. my job i've had for almost 6 years. tomorrow is my last day.
i am becoming an art director at a new job. this terrifies and excites me.
i told my children's daycare provider that i had to pull them because of said new job.
i am putting my kids in a new daycare.
if i didn't worry, if i didn't CARE, it would mean i didn't give a shit. and i do.
i love my family enough to put their needs above my own and i have to be convicted
that what i am doing is the right thing for everybody.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I am by no means a writer. Add in the fact that Charlotte keeps messing up my pillows and Colton is screaming because God decided that a 6 month old should be able to chew through a piece of steak , and I honestly don't even know if this will make any sense at all. So, if it doesn't, I'm completely sorry but this is some stuff that's been knocking around in my head lately.
I often find myself seeing something, or doing something, and thinking, "What's the point?" I don't know if it's a mild depression, or if it's just acceptance. The other day, I went to lunch with co-workers and realized that I have a mini van, but couldn't drive because A: I'm pretty sure they'd leave with a goldfish cracker or worse stuck to their butt (NOT that this happened to me the other day) or B: They would see the state of my van and report me to childrens service as a hoarder.
And that's one of my problems. I don't know how people see me. I even brought this up at lunch. I know how I WANT others to see me. But with 2 kids, a full time job and running a household, I just don't measure up. I don't think I ever will. How do you get to the point where that's "ok?" When will I feel "ok" about leaving work first to get to my kids daycare, leaving it all behind (FIRST?) When will I feel "ok" about buying store bought invitations to a birthday party because "I'm not tacky like that." Plus, I'm a graphic designer. People probably expect something cool. I don't buy organic food. I don't make my own baby food. And do you know what my daughter eats at LEAST 3 or 4 (ok, 5 or 6) times a week? Hotdogs or chicken nuggets. No joke. You know why? Its EASY. I could plan meals on Sunday and freeze them, but I don't. I'd rather spend that time with my kids or on the couch watching Brian Cox try to explain the universe to me. The one thing that I do do, is breastfeed Colton. It's a personal choice and I'd love to tell you it's for the health benefits, but that's only half of it. It's free. My body totally responds to it, and it's free. It's a pain in the ass but it saves me a million dollars a month in Enfamil. It makes me feel needed too. So see? Again, totally selfish. So even doing something I should feel good about leaving me feeling like a huge douche balloon.
And I know why a lot of people have trouble with Facebook. They think everybody is busy trying to prove who has the "sweetest, most super bestest husband!" or "cutest most awesome kids!" Nobody broadcasts that they feel emotionally distant from their mate, or that they are late on their bills or burned dinner the night before and then exploded into a crying coma that lasted roughly 1 hour.
I'm pretty sure I'm in the majority of mothers who don't "do it all." In fact, I know I am. I used to trick myself into thinking I did. Because making Colton's mobile or having my husband sand down our fridge and painting with chalkboard paint made me feel like I was winning at life. I think that's why Pinterest is such a slippery slope. It's amazing as a resource, but it can also make you feel like a huge loser if you don't have a 5 story birdhouse hanging in your frontyard that you crafted from some old soup cans, bra wires, pipe cleaners and bubble gum. It can also make you feel like a hobo because you live in a normal house with very little natural light and tiny rooms that actually look lived in. It always leaves you wanting MORE. It's super oversaturating. So watch out for that one. And in a huge dose of reality, my kids "playroom" and a playroom from simplygrove.com on pinterest. Totally realistic.
I'm like a "winning at life" addict though. So all this is VERY enticing to me. Looking at my RSS blog feed of my OVER 200 blogs that I read is almost like a release. I bet it's what a cutter feels like when they cut. A HUGE release and a dizzying high of glimpsing into other people's WAY (seemingly) more awesome lives. It's like chasing the ghost. There's no way I could ever compare. Or measure up. How do they have time for all this? I convince myself their bathroom smells like pee or that their children are neglected and will surely leave them in a nursing home to rot as payback. It gets me through. There's no way, in my constantly rushing life, that I'd ever have a spotless house that smelled of febreeze and sugar cookies 100 percent of the time. In face, right now it smells like farts from our frontloading washer and I'm pretty sure I smell like crusty old milk.
So, long story short, I have to figure out how to overcome all this. How are you doing it? Am I crazy for feeling this way? I feel like I'm just eeking by on life most of the time. Did my parents feel this way? I think a lot of parents or people in general in our generation are a bit more selfish and are always chasing the ghost of what could be. I think our parents knew how to deal with it because being a Mom was what fulfilled them. (I could be completely wrong) but I think about that and then wonder why I'm such a selfish asshole because I want to be MORE than a mom. I don't know the cool new music out there anymore. The emo stuff I used to listen to almost reminds me of a time that I could've been ANTHING. I could've done anything. I took walks for hours, just me and my headphones, dreaming about what life could be like. I took time to watch the sunset on the bayfront. I took time… for ME. What a concept.
I let my husband read a little of this, and he turned to me and said, "So,… what? You don't like your life?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I LOVE my life. I'm just trying to figure out that balance, or maybe I'll need therapy in a few years to convince me that because I didn't make that 5 story birdhouse, that my kids won't grow up hating me or thinking they had a lame mom. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves (and other Moms) and it probably needs to stop. We're growing up ourselves (and definitely our children are) in an age that exists out there to make us feel like we're doing it wrong. There's a bazillion books to tell you how to raise your kids. I refuse to read any of them. Mostly because I don't have time , but also because I'm doing what works for ME and I need to believe 100 percent in my decisions and how I parent. I'll totally get there. I might even let Charlotte design her own Valentine's box next year.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
i feel like there's more out there. i'm going to have to explore.
i want to be one of those people that doesn't have a spot in the back of their brain that nags them while they sit at work that the kitchen counter is messy, or that the xmas decorations still need to be put away, or the fact that the family is bumping elbows in their tiny house and WHY do i have to wait until we have more equity to start the new house project? because i'm responsible. i've become responsible. it happened. it finally happened. and it's kinda boring. but it's kinda awesome too i guess. i don't have to worry that the bill collectors are coming after me. or which awesome restaurant or bar i'll blow too much money at. you know why? because my money is already blown on new shoes for the kids, or a head scan because charlotte ran into our kitchen counter and was vomiting the next day. head scans are totally the responsible way to spend your hard earned adult cash.
i know that my children are a blessing. i totally get it. nobody ever said this parent stuff would be easy and it's not. i felt like it used to be, but with 2, everything is magnified. i don't feel that freedom to just take off to target, or go shopping all day by myself or spend hours on the internet looking at eye candy. it's not feasible. instead it's filled with who doesn't have what/who needs what/do i have shampoo, soap, baby wipes, diapers, etc and "how will i pay for purple light up shoes" because charlotte "needs" them.
i feel like i miss my husband too. we work all day then come home and it is ALL about the kids. TOTALLY. then by the time it's bedtime he falls asleep in charlotte's bed until 10, then it's time to go to sleep for real. note to self, date night. PRONTO.
i meander a lot. see how i meandered with this blog post. world's worst meandering blog post.
bottom line, suck it up d. we need some sunshine!
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
my 1st grade teacher had our names written on a cute piece of paper that went across the top of our desks so we could look at it and cheat when we needed to write our names on our tests, etc. and when we had learned how, and didn't need that cheat sheet anymore, we took it up to her, so she could throw it away and we got a prize. (necco wafers) a BIG pack too. not the little ones.
well, imagine my mortification of realizing that it was down to me and one other student who still hadn't mastered the skill. and SHE was GETTING UP to go to claim her prize. i instinctively grabbed mine off my desk, and took it up and proudly accepted a present i didn't deserve. i remember panicking and thinking, "what will i do when i have to write my name?"
so... what DID i do when test time came? i drew a girl with pigtails of course.
he laughs now.
he has 2 bottom teeth.
he has thoughtful looks, he has "i made a stinky" looks.
he holds his feet with his hands while on his back and makes raspberries.
he won't cry if the hairdryer is on.
he wants to eat "real" food so badly. but settles for his baby food.
he doesn't want to sleep in his co-sleeper. he wants me. 24/7. so we've become a co-sleeping family to save the sanity.
he has had 1 ear infection.
he has peed in my mouth while i was singing to him.
he takes his pointy little tongue and darts it out and over the the side.
i think he's the bomb.