Thursday, July 29, 2010

forest gumps mama was right.

life is like a box of chocolates, or life is like a box of stool samples...
you never know what you're gonna get. today i had the pleasure of getting the phone call from charlotte's daycare telling me she probalby has contracted this evil, highly contageous disease. she had the squirts and apparently just having the squirts is alarm enough to warrant a trip to good ol' quest diagnostics. i haven't been there since i was pregnant and had to drink that delicious, thick, warm flat orange pop! good times! well... buckle up because this time was even MORE awesome(er)

because i had to go get her and she had a clean diaper on, it was either
a: go to quest, get the stool sample kit then go back home, hope she poops, collect the sample go BACK to quest and then drive back home. um, no thank you. i am a multi-tasker and this thought appauled me!

so i b: decided to take charlotte to mcdonald's hoping she ate something greasy that would help the ol' bowels along. well, i took her there, she didn't eat a thing, got stuck in the playland maze about 10 ft off the ground and started screaming. so i leapt off of the chair and contorted my adult body into a space that it should've never fit, coaxing my scared to death toddler down the covered slide. well, she was so scared she crapped herself. mission accomplished, just not in the way i thought it would be!

we got to quest where i was informed i was not allowed to collect her stool sample in their office, so i was all,... "um, well, i'll go 2 doors down in the public restroom." whatevs. they are always just so helpful there! she gave me a little kit that was a test tube thingie with red water in it and a line. the cap had a little mouse spoon that i assumed was for scooping up feces. score! so, since this was squirty poo poo, it was like playing double dare trying to get the watery feces into the tube then get it PAST the red line. it took me a good 10 minutes, all of which my daughter was watching me thinking, "what is this idiot DOING!?"

i put it in the biohazard gladlock zipbaggie, and we trotted back to quest, where i handed it off to the nurse. she acted like i was trying to hand her my placenta, and told me, "NO NO, in that room, and place it on the table to the left." i was like, DUDE whatEVER, and she then said, "no no... i'll take it." ya you will. i don't get what is up with those people's attitudes! they are never nice and no matter who i get, it seems that their puppy was run over just that very morning.

fingers crossed for us peeps that we are disease free and i just fed her too many pickles last night. (is 22 too many? they were sliced...not whole. i'm not a total dummy)


Donia~Fox Photography said...

Awwww Dev, hope it all turns out well. Even though this is not something to laugh about (right now anyway!) I find myself grinning from ear to earfrom the way that you told it! Here's to hoping Lottie feels better soon!

3StinkyBoysAndMe said...

OMG!!! I had to do the same thing with Latham a few months ago. Gag! Collecting 'samples' is THE WORST. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and your little one. And, no. I don't it's too much to feed anyone 22 pickles. 23, yes. 22, no. : )


Adrienne Jewelry Designs said...

First: I'm sorry. I know this is hard on both you and Lottie. I hope the test is negative.

Having said that, I nearly wet myself reading your blow by blow description. Having two grown kids...I've done that. Using Quest Diagnostics? We see them every month and they must have pissy people in EVERY office!

Now, if I may, I'll "one up" you. I promise you'll feel better :)

Many moons ago when I was a young working undiagnosed/untreated A.D.D. Mommy I had to do the same thing. Back then we had to get the sample at home then deliver said sample to the lab.

I dropped my kiddos off at their respective destinations and running late as usual went straight to work! It was late afternoon when I suddenly realized I'd forgotten to drop the specimen off at the lab! This happened in midsummer. Wanna guess what my car smelled like? It's a wonder there weren't flies! To top it all off...they won't accept "baked poop" at the lab. Had to start all over again!
Yep. Sometimes life just stinks. Feel better now? I thought so. :)

devon spec said...

adrienne!! hahaha! that is awesome. my car smelled like poo too b/c i drove her from mcdonald's to quest with the "golden diaper" ;)